Today was heavy for me...
Today started with a smile , a yawn, a little sunshine on my skin...But underneath I felt like I was slowely dying all over again.
I don't know if you ever have experienced this, but I have multiple times.
You're just relaxing in the sun, but underneath your skin a thousand little bugs start to move. You feel the beating of your heart everywhere.You start to feel nervous but can't pinpoint the reason and are feeling a little bit anxious...
All of this causes you to gain more adrenaline and makes you jumpy.
Well this wasn't my first time , or will it be my last, but now I know what it is.
Fear, underlying fear. Wich creates stress and adrenaline.
It's this fear that has made me in part who I am , but also destroyed who I could have been. Sometimes it made me fight harder but a lot of time it made me make choices just to loose this constant compagnion. It froze me or stung so hard I couldn't bear it.
My fear originates from the loneliness I experienced in high school, from the losses I've encountered and because I don't believe in myself anymore.
I think everybody knows this feeling. And its as much part of me as it is of you.
But my fear tends to hide in small pieces and arise at the weirdest moments.
But today I realised it was fear...
It wasn't the fear of going to my shrink the first time , it was the fear of being confronted with myself and of being robbed of who I am now.
Because in my screwed up mind, a part of me is still who I want to be. And I didn't want to loose that part. I believe we are more than the som of our memories but our memories do shape how we view the world. And if fear is one's strongest emotions it turnes the world into a much colourless and threatning world.
I view the world as a beautiful place but filled with people who are there only to make it frightning. All of this because of my tendensy to view it through my fear goggles.
My shrink told me that indeed this fear is part of me but that , across time I should learn to embrace it and then to act against it. Shocker ... so I should against something I've nown for 10 years now. I believe it is possible but that there is still a long way ahead of me.
Fear concers the weak hearted,
Love heals all,
But the fear of loving,
Fear of losing,
Is the strongest and most soffucating of them all.
Much of love,