Some people might find this blog difficult to understand.
But I’m going through the fase that you’ve realised what you’ve lost. I’ve lost myself over the course of time, I’ve lost friends, but I’ve lost what I thought would be the love of my life.
Everything I do brings back haunted memories of things I’ve shared with him. Love that made me cry, laugh and shiver. I remember his kind words and cruel shouts. I remember his warm hugs and the frustrating look on his face. I remember the warmth I felt when we went on a citytrip together, and I remember the fights till late at night. I remember camping together and I remember crying together. And it fucking hurts.
I see no future in this relationship and continuing it would kill me and him. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt or leave scars behind. I’ve failed, not our marriage, but I’ve failed myself.
I don’t think that I can ever make someone happy, I couldn’t make him happy, because I can’t make myself happy in the first place. I take people down with me, drown them with my sorrow.
But now, now I will only drown myself. I will push everyone away who get’s too close. Or at least I’ll try. Because hurting like this is human , but it isn’t healthy. And as my husband (for he still is now, untill papers are signed) used to say, I’m a raging storm. Breaking and wrecking everything in my path. Even though I never meant to hurt anyone.
I’m capable of loving too much, too deeply , too fast. I would rather kill myself than hurt the ones I love , although that’s what would hurt some people in the first place and that’s fucked up. I need to get over this, I need too see that there is hope. Hope that I can learn to love myself again and eventualy make someone happy, perhaps. Although I know I will wreck everything in my wake, I just need to accept that’s what I’ll always do. Maybe if I learn to accept that, someone else will too. And maybe , just maybe , someone else will let me break his heart.
Love, Kimmy xxx