I’m trying to start anew… Trying to move foreward on this road of life. Trying to love again… Trying because you are still present, I feel you and the damage you’ve done deep in my bones. I’m loving again, giving and taking. But it’s not enough. I’m fooling myself… Because deep down I know, even though I may be worthy of loving, I’m not capable of recieving.
He loves me in his own way, deeply and true. But it’s not enough. I don’t get enough. Those years of shouting and fighting wore me down, but made me feel that much more alive. Now I’m numb. Feeling taken for granted even though, I think,I’m not. Everyday normal life scares me and makes me more numb. I almost fooled myself again in thinking I could give normal love. I love him to bits, would die for him, would burn the world down just to keep him. But I’m just not worthy or ready to recieve this calm and adult way of loving. I will wreck his world and heart by showing him who I really am. He says he understands, doesn’t run and sticks with me…
And this scares me even more. When I ask him why he just says because he loves me. Is this adult love ? Not being able to bring down into words what this love is or feeling the need to say it? Just asumeing that I know because I’m an adult. Than I’d rather have this childish screaming love where emotions run deep and tempers fly high. I’ve become addicted to those deep emotions and those cruel words. Not from you because you were not the one for me, there is no one for me. Because I’ve become addicted to stress and pain. Become addicted to feeling the thrill of life.
I want him to make me cry , to give me love that makes me fly, to make love to me that I forget the world. But this last two weeks, al he gives me is his tranquillity and support. The qualities he posseses are what women fight over. It’s what makes me love him more. But I just can’t give him anymore than I’m giving him right now, my fucked up, scarred heart.
I’m not happy anymore. Feeling trapped inside my own head again. I want to fight , live life, I wan’t to love but I want to feel loved in return. I’m not ready for this kind of love, I’m feeling unloved, unappreciated, taken for granted.
And that’s due to my issues. I want more, I’ve always wanted more… I want him to tell me he loves me, really loves me, face to face, without a stupid smile , just raw and real. I want him to make love to me so that I know he wants me and so I can take him in. I wan’t us both to be wild and be young. I want him to be my drug. I want to suffocate in his kisses. I want that pain. And there it is again, selfish scarred me.
So I know I’m going to wreck the best relationship I’ve had thus far. That I’m going to destroy the most beautiful person (and I’m not talking about the outside alone) I’ve met thus far. That I’m going to hurt myself so bad I’m not sure I will survive this. Because I just feel drained, unwanted and unloved. And that’s my own fault, not his , never his.
He is not perfect, he’s not drama free, he has issues. But to me he is my future, my only shot I’ve left on a normal relationship, the one person who can help me in becoming a sane insane adult with a normal life. He isn’t my world, but he is the ground I’m standing on. And I love him so much.
Because I rely on his love so much, I’m destroying myself and him in this procces. I wish I could rewind time back to that one night, when it was just the two of us, there in the pool. And nothing else mattered. But life doesn’t work that way. So I’m screwed.