Kimmy's road

Kimmy's road

My personal journey from being human to the being the best human I can be...

More questions…

Hello beautiful,

I’ve fallen from the cloud I build, the one I’ve lived on for the last two/three years. And I knew It would be a long way up again. Except now it feels as if the rock’s I’m using to build my new mountain to stand upon. The steps I take to touch the clouds again, shift beneath my feet. Every rock slides… Because I’ve fallen from the cloud I build, the one I’ve lived on for the last two/three years. And I knew It would be a long way up again. Except now it feels as if the rock’s I’m using to build my new mountain to stand upon. The steps I take to touch the clouds again, shift beneath my feet. Every rock slides…

So much energy I’ve put in one particular rock. Like every bond in life, this one too had to be forged. It takes time. And now it feels like every piece of heart I used to forge it, has gone to waste.
There were few secrets between us and I just wanted to show him the true me.
I’ve never trusted anyone in my life as much as I trust this person. Except maybe my dad.
There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make this person happy, as long as it is within my power. I wanted to listen to cherish this person. To be there for him, as he was for me.
Not a moment, has there been any doubt about this bond.
Ooh, I don’t know what I’ve done, it kept me so awake at night, the troubles in his mind.
The sorrow in our hearts. Angry it has made me that I couldn’t take away his pain.
Nothing was more on my mind than his agony, and all I wanted to do was help.
And now my rock, he pushes me away, twists every word I say.
Doesn’t believe anything I say anymore.
This makes me sad, this makes me so MAD.
All my trust, all of my caring, pushed away by the flick of one hand.
One more indifferent ‘hmm’ and one more back turned on me.
I just don’t know, if doing the best I can, being the most caring and loving that I’m capable of… Just isn’t enough. What f*cking is?
I love to think that I’ve got a big heart, capable of loving many and loving deeply.
But there are few I would trust as much as I do this particular rock.
And yet, the person I thought, (again except my dad), knows me best, really doesn’t seem to know me at all. And yes, I know your read this.
How can you say you know me? Yet doubting everything I do or say?
How can you say you know how I feel? When all of my feelings uttered towards you are being laughed away? What horrifying betrayal must I have committed, to deserve such a treatment? All I really, really want, is for you to be happy. 
The sole true motive for our friendship, my actions is that I want to give you love, support and a safehaven to come back to when the world is to harsh, when everything falls down, when you just need a laugh, when you want to shed a tear. The only thing I’ve asked in return is your trust and your support!
Now you are taking that away from me, which is in your right. But my worlds starts to crumble, because the pile of rocks starts shifting. And that’s maybe not your fault. But mine, because I’ve clinged on to our friendship so much.

So Question nr.1: Is it my fault, that we are missing each other? That we are mistrusting one another? Is it my fault that I’ve yet again, ruined another friendship? Is it my fault?

Then there is this other rock I’ve picked up to build my mountain, my castle, in which I can shelter myself from the world. When it’s to much to bare. When I first saw you, I immediately knew we would get along. Our love isn’t a romance, isn’t love at first sight, but it’s enough for me, for now…
But there are these moments I feel so alone, I feel like you just don’t get me. You listen, and I’m grateful, but you don’t seem to hear me. You try, but you never do. I just feel so alone with my feelings, you don’t even notice when I’m crying. Or you do notice and, yet again, choose to stay silent and you don’t act. Communication is a good thing, I love it, but it’s not everything. Sometimes your actions speak against you. And it’s not your fault. It’s once again mine. And it makes me so sad. And so alone. These moments just kill me. 
You sit there next to me, and yet it feels like you are miles away. The physical distance kills me. Your ability to let go and go on, while I’m left here standing alone, destroyes me.
Only I understands me.
We are drowning in everything around us, I’m drowning inside myself.
How angry it makes me that I lay this burden upon your shoulders, while yours are so much greater. I fear the moment will come that I just can’t take it anymore.
The stupid smile you give me, just because you don’t know how, or why…
The silence you lay upon us, just because I’m silencing us.
The pain and loneliness that keeps creeping up upon me.
I’m not going to survive us, because I’m drowing.
The waters of the past, and the troubles of the present are flooding in,
quicker than I can swim.
I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.
I want to hit you, hurt you, because I’m hurt.
I want to love you, smother you, because you love me.
And puddin, we both know, it’s my fault.
I’m so sorry…

So Question nr.2: Why do I feel so alone, why do I not feel loved? Fully knowing you love me to the end of the universe and back. Why do I do this to you? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I just make you happy? Just WHY?

As for the other rocks, I start to doubt everything. When I’m amoung my friends, I notice… They enjoy each other, they care, they make fun. Even when I’m down. They are cheerful. So I’m starting to wonder… Why am I here at all? What difference do I make? Almost no one notices when I’m down. Nobody sees my tears, a few try to catch them. I should be able to life, for my own happiness. But I can’t, I don’t want to be happy on my own. I’ve been alone for far to long. Sadness keeps creeping in and soon I’m afraid I won’t be able to turn my back on it.

So Question nr.3: Why are my friends hanging out with me? What do I have to offer?

The last thing I know is that I miss my home. This was the first place that I could leave my troubles behind. The first place that really was my own. My own little batcave. My refuge. After years of being bullied, and misunderstood, I finally had a place I could decide who and what troubles could enter. If I locked the door, it was my castle. And now it’s lost. I hope to find it again, to gain acces again. But the wait is long and the pain runs deep. I don’t have a refuge anymore. I don’t have a place I can call home anymore. I’m lost in the water, adrift amongst my own emotions. The only thing I have is a little bit of space in the bed I lay my head to rest. That’s the closest thing I have… When I open the door of my little house, I feel at peace, I feel sorrow and regret, but also happiness. I just don’t take I can take it much longer. The only thing I’ve achieved, the only thing that was my own. My only refuge, locked away. I try to keep swimming, but I’m drowning…

So final Question: Why do I try? Why do I keep putting myself through the pain and misery? What’s left in life for me?

Thanks for reading…

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