Kimmy's road

Kimmy's road

My personal journey from being human to the being the best human I can be...

Pain

Hey you,

Every night just a little bit more …

Comes the feeling of tiredness…

The wanting, to fall asleep and never wake up again.

Every day the realisation hits me.

The feeling of loneliness.

I give so much love , effort , to everyone.

But still I’m not happy.

At least you are.

The people who I think care, do not care.

The one I think takes care, won’t.

And everything stays as it is.

I try and try, but day after day , I feel the darkness more.

Love turns into hate.

Expections not met creates desgust.

And everything in life keeps on going.

I’m not important.

I’m not really here.

I’m just a ghost of who I used to be, trapped in the prison of her own mind.

And you don’t even see , you don’t even notice, you go on, …

So move on , go on , be happy,…

You won’t even notice when I’m gone.

Even now when you lay next to me you sleep.

Not noticing what I want to do, what eventually I might do.

Stay strong my head whispers,

My heart laughs, empty , no more tears left

Soon I will not break, but shatter

And then , I too can lay my head to rest

Love always,

Kimmy

More questions…

Hello beautiful,

I’ve fallen from the cloud I build, the one I’ve lived on for the last two/three years. And I knew It would be a long way up again. Except now it feels as if the rock’s I’m using to build my new mountain to stand upon. The steps I take to touch the clouds again, shift beneath my feet. Every rock slides… Because I’ve fallen from the cloud I build, the one I’ve lived on for the last two/three years. And I knew It would be a long way up again. Except now it feels as if the rock’s I’m using to build my new mountain to stand upon. The steps I take to touch the clouds again, shift beneath my feet. Every rock slides…

So much energy I’ve put in one particular rock. Like every bond in life, this one too had to be forged. It takes time. And now it feels like every piece of heart I used to forge it, has gone to waste.
There were few secrets between us and I just wanted to show him the true me.
I’ve never trusted anyone in my life as much as I trust this person. Except maybe my dad.
There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make this person happy, as long as it is within my power. I wanted to listen to cherish this person. To be there for him, as he was for me.
Not a moment, has there been any doubt about this bond.
Ooh, I don’t know what I’ve done, it kept me so awake at night, the troubles in his mind.
The sorrow in our hearts. Angry it has made me that I couldn’t take away his pain.
Nothing was more on my mind than his agony, and all I wanted to do was help.
And now my rock, he pushes me away, twists every word I say.
Doesn’t believe anything I say anymore.
This makes me sad, this makes me so MAD.
All my trust, all of my caring, pushed away by the flick of one hand.
One more indifferent ‘hmm’ and one more back turned on me.
I just don’t know, if doing the best I can, being the most caring and loving that I’m capable of… Just isn’t enough. What f*cking is?
I love to think that I’ve got a big heart, capable of loving many and loving deeply.
But there are few I would trust as much as I do this particular rock.
And yet, the person I thought, (again except my dad), knows me best, really doesn’t seem to know me at all. And yes, I know your read this.
How can you say you know me? Yet doubting everything I do or say?
How can you say you know how I feel? When all of my feelings uttered towards you are being laughed away? What horrifying betrayal must I have committed, to deserve such a treatment? All I really, really want, is for you to be happy. 
The sole true motive for our friendship, my actions is that I want to give you love, support and a safehaven to come back to when the world is to harsh, when everything falls down, when you just need a laugh, when you want to shed a tear. The only thing I’ve asked in return is your trust and your support!
Now you are taking that away from me, which is in your right. But my worlds starts to crumble, because the pile of rocks starts shifting. And that’s maybe not your fault. But mine, because I’ve clinged on to our friendship so much.

So Question nr.1: Is it my fault, that we are missing each other? That we are mistrusting one another? Is it my fault that I’ve yet again, ruined another friendship? Is it my fault?

Then there is this other rock I’ve picked up to build my mountain, my castle, in which I can shelter myself from the world. When it’s to much to bare. When I first saw you, I immediately knew we would get along. Our love isn’t a romance, isn’t love at first sight, but it’s enough for me, for now…
But there are these moments I feel so alone, I feel like you just don’t get me. You listen, and I’m grateful, but you don’t seem to hear me. You try, but you never do. I just feel so alone with my feelings, you don’t even notice when I’m crying. Or you do notice and, yet again, choose to stay silent and you don’t act. Communication is a good thing, I love it, but it’s not everything. Sometimes your actions speak against you. And it’s not your fault. It’s once again mine. And it makes me so sad. And so alone. These moments just kill me. 
You sit there next to me, and yet it feels like you are miles away. The physical distance kills me. Your ability to let go and go on, while I’m left here standing alone, destroyes me.
Only I understands me.
We are drowning in everything around us, I’m drowning inside myself.
How angry it makes me that I lay this burden upon your shoulders, while yours are so much greater. I fear the moment will come that I just can’t take it anymore.
The stupid smile you give me, just because you don’t know how, or why…
The silence you lay upon us, just because I’m silencing us.
The pain and loneliness that keeps creeping up upon me.
I’m not going to survive us, because I’m drowing.
The waters of the past, and the troubles of the present are flooding in,
quicker than I can swim.
I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.
I want to hit you, hurt you, because I’m hurt.
I want to love you, smother you, because you love me.
And puddin, we both know, it’s my fault.
I’m so sorry…

So Question nr.2: Why do I feel so alone, why do I not feel loved? Fully knowing you love me to the end of the universe and back. Why do I do this to you? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I just make you happy? Just WHY?

As for the other rocks, I start to doubt everything. When I’m amoung my friends, I notice… They enjoy each other, they care, they make fun. Even when I’m down. They are cheerful. So I’m starting to wonder… Why am I here at all? What difference do I make? Almost no one notices when I’m down. Nobody sees my tears, a few try to catch them. I should be able to life, for my own happiness. But I can’t, I don’t want to be happy on my own. I’ve been alone for far to long. Sadness keeps creeping in and soon I’m afraid I won’t be able to turn my back on it.

So Question nr.3: Why are my friends hanging out with me? What do I have to offer?

The last thing I know is that I miss my home. This was the first place that I could leave my troubles behind. The first place that really was my own. My own little batcave. My refuge. After years of being bullied, and misunderstood, I finally had a place I could decide who and what troubles could enter. If I locked the door, it was my castle. And now it’s lost. I hope to find it again, to gain acces again. But the wait is long and the pain runs deep. I don’t have a refuge anymore. I don’t have a place I can call home anymore. I’m lost in the water, adrift amongst my own emotions. The only thing I have is a little bit of space in the bed I lay my head to rest. That’s the closest thing I have… When I open the door of my little house, I feel at peace, I feel sorrow and regret, but also happiness. I just don’t take I can take it much longer. The only thing I’ve achieved, the only thing that was my own. My only refuge, locked away. I try to keep swimming, but I’m drowning…

So final Question: Why do I try? Why do I keep putting myself through the pain and misery? What’s left in life for me?

Thanks for reading…

Ice

It’s like trying to catch water

Eventually it drips between your fingers and you are left with nothing.

Water that showed you the way.

Water that kept you alive.

Gone.

It turned to ice beneeth my feeth.

And made me fall.

Now I’m lost, no water only cold air.

Confrontatie

Hallo,

Voor één keer een blog in het Nederlands.

Hoe kan het dat ondanks een gevuld leven dat een mens zich zo leeg kan voelen? Ik had het gevoel dat na jaren vechten eindelijk wat bereikt had. Materialistisch geluk, vrienden die om me geven, familie die voor me klaarstaat… En ondanks al dit alles voel ik me zo alleen.

Al die vrienden , het feestgedruis , het werken, het leven en beleven … Nemen de pijn niet weg. Telkens weer de confrontatie met mijn falen.

De confrontatie met mijn lichaam dat faalt op alle vlak. Ongezonde levensstijl terug aangenomen, kilo’s komen terug. De verwachting van de maatschappij en van naasten om er steeds tiptop uit te zien. Telkens de confrontatie met het feit dat mijn lichaam er zo uitziet en dat ik er niets aan kan veranderen. Dat ik nooit mooi zal zijn of gevonden zal worden. De confrontatie met het feit dat mijn lichaam dat hunkert naar beweging naar de klote is door mijn nek. De harde werkelijkheid dat een job vinden op deze manier moeilijk is.

De confrontatie met het feit dat echte vriendschappen zeldzaam zijn en dat mensen vergankelijk zijn. Dat je uiteindelijk enkel voor jezelf moet leven maar dat ik door mijn ongeliefde inperfectie telkens weer vertrouwen leg in de verkeerde personen en dat ik mezelf steeds weg blijf cijferen voor iedereen.

De confrontatie met de liefde. De herinneringen aan betere tijden. Hoe ik mee mijn huwelijk kapot heb gemaakt. De frustratie van mezelf dat ik altijd aanhankelijk zal zijn aan de liefde. Dat ik incapabel, of misschien niet incapabel, maar ongewillig ben om een volwassen relatie aan te gaan. Hoe kan het dat ik in een goede relatie hunker naar meer, naar wat naar mijn gevoel, niet verstand, echte liefde is. Hoe kan het dat ondanks alle gegeven liefde ik me alleen voel? Ik ben een probleem voor mezelf.

En vooral die confrontatie met mezelf. Ik ben diegene die mijn droom (lesgeven) in de vuilbak heeft gekiepd, omdat ik op was. Ik was niet sterk genoeg, ik ben altijd al zwak geweest. Als de survival of the fittest van toepassing was, was ik op mij 17e al van deze aardbol geweest. De confrontatie met mijn verleden en hoe het mij parten speelt. Ik ben en was diegene die het heeft toegestaan om misbruikt te worden. Ik ben diegene die mijn vrienden wegduwt. Ik ben diegene die denkt dat ze de dingen aankan. Terwijl dit niet zo is. Ik mis betere tijden. Tijden waarin ik me nog een droombeeld van mezelf voorhield. De tijden waarin in nergens aan moest denken behalve mijn eigen geluk. Ik heb dit allemaal zelf in de hand. En ik kan er niets mee. Omdat ik mentaal de weerbaarheid niet meer heb om deze wereld aan te kunnen.

Ik zal altijd naïef zijn, veel te goed soms, veel te behulpzaam, veel te koppig , veel te impulsief, veel te gebroken , veel te kinds, veel te speels ,… En dit berokkent mezelf schade.

Geen doel voor deze blog. Buiten zelfmedelijden maar vooral veel haat. Haat aan mezelf en een dikke sorry aan iedereen die er wel voor me probeert te zijn. Maar ik vrees dat het te laat is. De weg is nog lang, maar ik wil het einde. De dagen gaan te snel, ik verdrink mezelf in witte wijn of in muziek. Ik was ooit gelukkig , ik was ooit samen gelukkig. Ik wil niet langer blijven , ik wil weg. Maar dat gun ik mezelf niet. Ik heb mezelf al genoeg gefaald. Een oplossing zie ik niet, een uitweg des te meer.

Love you all,

Kimmy

New start , new stop

I’m trying to start anew… Trying to move foreward on this road of life. Trying to love again… Trying because you are still present, I feel you and the damage you’ve done deep in my bones. I’m loving again, giving and taking. But it’s not enough. I’m fooling myself… Because deep down I know, even though I may be worthy of loving, I’m not capable of recieving.

He loves me in his own way, deeply and true. But it’s not enough. I don’t get enough. Those years of shouting and fighting wore me down, but made me feel that much more alive. Now I’m numb. Feeling taken for granted even though, I think,I’m not. Everyday normal life scares me and makes me more numb. I almost fooled myself again in thinking I could give normal love. I love him to bits, would die for him, would burn the world down just to keep him. But I’m just not worthy or ready to recieve this calm and adult way of loving. I will wreck his world and heart by showing him who I really am. He says he understands, doesn’t run and sticks with me…

And this scares me even more. When I ask him why he just says because he loves me. Is this adult love ? Not being able to bring down into words what this love is or feeling the need to say it? Just asumeing that I know because I’m an adult. Than I’d rather have this childish screaming love where emotions run deep and tempers fly high. I’ve become addicted to those deep emotions and those cruel words. Not from you because you were not the one for me, there is no one for me. Because I’ve become addicted to stress and pain. Become addicted to feeling the thrill of life.

I want him to make me cry , to give me love that makes me fly, to make love to me that I forget the world. But this last two weeks, al he gives me is his tranquillity and support. The qualities he posseses are what women fight over. It’s what makes me love him more. But I just can’t give him anymore than I’m giving him right now, my fucked up, scarred heart.

I’m not happy anymore. Feeling trapped inside my own head again. I want to fight , live life, I wan’t to love but I want to feel loved in return. I’m not ready for this kind of love, I’m feeling unloved, unappreciated, taken for granted.

And that’s due to my issues. I want more, I’ve always wanted more… I want him to tell me he loves me, really loves me, face to face, without a stupid smile , just raw and real. I want him to make love to me so that I know he wants me and so I can take him in. I wan’t us both to be wild and be young. I want him to be my drug. I want to suffocate in his kisses. I want that pain. And there it is again, selfish scarred me.

So I know I’m going to wreck the best relationship I’ve had thus far. That I’m going to destroy the most beautiful person (and I’m not talking about the outside alone) I’ve met thus far. That I’m going to hurt myself so bad I’m not sure I will survive this. Because I just feel drained, unwanted and unloved. And that’s my own fault, not his , never his.

He is not perfect, he’s not drama free, he has issues. But to me he is my future, my only shot I’ve left on a normal relationship, the one person who can help me in becoming a sane insane adult with a normal life. He isn’t my world, but he is the ground I’m standing on. And I love him so much.

Because I rely on his love so much, I’m destroying myself and him in this procces. I wish I could rewind time back to that one night, when it was just the two of us, there in the pool. And nothing else mattered. But life doesn’t work that way. So I’m screwed.