As I’m getting near the day that marks the quarter century I’m walking this earth…
Things are getting quite emotional for me. It seems so long that my journey has taken me. So many things in live I’ve already explored and still so many things I still have to explore! I’ve lost two friends due to suicide, I’ve seen people OD, I’ve witnessed voilence, I’ve been raped and abused. I’ve loved and had my heart broken. I’ve been bullied and soon I will have been married. I’ve tried to study. I’ve tried to find my way. I’ve been lost so many times. But all of this has shaped me.
I know finaly realise that there is always one person in life you can always fall back to. And that’s yourself. That inner voice inside you is irreplaceble. I finaly dare to take pride in the road I’ve talen. I dare to admit that I am a strong willed woman with her own opinions and these matter. And that I just should be my crazy own self. You can calls this the recognision of my own self, ego or being selfish. But I need to start living only for me.
The road had not been easy, as it never is, for no one. But I will get there, just me. And in the end I will get there, with my own house. My own stories and my own beautiful memories and life to live.
The road is still long but I will walk it dancing.
There are just some days in life you really have a shitty day. Everything goes south and you think what’s the fucking point.
And then you interact with someone. You get a hug. You notice people care. And thats just enough. Just enough to keep you going. Knowing you are loved, people who care for you no matter how fucked up you are. No matter how crazy you act, how drunk you are. And words can’tdescibe how you feel. These few persons are literlly the resaon I’m still here… I’m still breathing. I really wished for a method I could make it clear to them.. How much they have done for me. Without them even knowing. And even if I don’t speak to them in a few weeks, months, years. I will never forget how much they pulled me through.
I hope that they know how wonderfull they really are. How beautiful and bright their personalities shine. I’m grateful because I am loved. And because somse people are worth the drama and the missery.
Because of them I get the reminder life is worth living.
Some people might find this blog difficult to understand.
But I’m going through the fase that you’ve realised what you’ve lost. I’ve lost myself over the course of time, I’ve lost friends, but I’ve lost what I thought would be the love of my life.
Everything I do brings back haunted memories of things I’ve shared with him. Love that made me cry, laugh and shiver. I remember his kind words and cruel shouts. I remember his warm hugs and the frustrating look on his face. I remember the warmth I felt when we went on a citytrip together, and I remember the fights till late at night. I remember camping together and I remember crying together. And it fucking hurts.
I see no future in this relationship and continuing it would kill me and him. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt or leave scars behind. I’ve failed, not our marriage, but I’ve failed myself.
I don’t think that I can ever make someone happy, I couldn’t make him happy, because I can’t make myself happy in the first place. I take people down with me, drown them with my sorrow.
But now, now I will only drown myself. I will push everyone away who get’s too close. Or at least I’ll try. Because hurting like this is human , but it isn’t healthy. And as my husband (for he still is now, untill papers are signed) used to say, I’m a raging storm. Breaking and wrecking everything in my path. Even though I never meant to hurt anyone.
I’m capable of loving too much, too deeply , too fast. I would rather kill myself than hurt the ones I love , although that’s what would hurt some people in the first place and that’s fucked up. I need to get over this, I need too see that there is hope. Hope that I can learn to love myself again and eventualy make someone happy, perhaps. Although I know I will wreck everything in my wake, I just need to accept that’s what I’ll always do. Maybe if I learn to accept that, someone else will too. And maybe , just maybe , someone else will let me break his heart.
What a rollercoaster this last week has been. Every possible emotion a human can feel has consumed me in the last few days. I was feeling bitter and was emprisoning myself with everything concerning the past. Acting like I could cope and everything was fine.
My past came back to haunt me a few times. First there was the though decision I needed to make concerning my husband. Letting go of someone you wanted to spend your life with is the hardest thing I will ever do. No words can describe the kind of scar this will leave behind. For a lot of people my marriage was a joke to begin with. Too fast, too furiously I loved him, and somewhere still do. But I can’t fight for a relationship that in the end almost made me drown myself. I just cannot.
Secondly there was troubles inside the new social circle I’ve been in. Not going deeper into it but I truly felt I made a mess and caused all the troubles that were there.
Thirdly my best friend still doesn’t seem to recognise what he has done wrong, and I miss him more than he knows. But some things I just can’t forgive just yet.
And fourthly the memories of parties and friends long gone came back to me when I was standing there on Thunderdome. I thought I wouldn’t belong there anymore, but it was like coming home after a long dark night. No words could describe the way I felt right there and then.
I useably think soo poorly of myself, trying to find strength in other people. I didn’t , and sometimes still can’t see the good things in myself. For me I failed in life. I especially failed myself. And this has too stop. The only one who can decide if this life is worth living and can make it worth living is me. And only me.
So I recognise, I’m egocentric, I’m energetic, I’m annoying, I’m loud and I make wrong decisions. But I need to go through this. I really need to start recognising myself for the beautiful mess I am. It’s like Kesha says, this kittycat has lost her mind and my heads fucked up. But I will be all right.
Because through this all I’ve met some new people, who I thought didn’t care about me. But yesterday on one of the roughest day’s I’ve had since my suicide attempt, I was deeply moved. And they probably didn’t even know it. This fucked up mind of me was thinking once again, what’s the point of it all again? Everybody will eventually just hate me and leave me. All dark and gloomy again, not at all the fighter I usually am. Everything was going south, but instead of running away , I talked to them. And you know what.. There are still people in this world who care… There are people who are willing to listen to you, to give you a hug when you need one, to try and make you laugh. There are people that even when you open up your heart and show your most exposed side to them, still care enough to keep making you laugh. And there are people who don’t judge. Without them I really wouldn’t be here anymore. Because otherwise I would be almost on my own, I wouldn’t go outside, and I would not go and try to find the old eccentric and silly me again. I would just perish away and make myself a prisoner of myself again. I tried to tell them a few times. But I don’t think it gets through to them. So I hope some of them will read this screwed up mess and homely find some sort of pride and warmth in knowing that without their beautiful screwed up personalities, I would not see the beautiful colours in the world anymore. Their friendship keeps the crazy thoughts out, and makes me feel stronger. Thank you for making me feel like I’m a person who’s ‘fun’ being around. Thank you!
I think it’s time to learn and let go, and keep on connecting and enjoying the beautiful thing that is called life. Because eventually only life can be the death of me.
if you are still reading this after the time that has passed , congrats!
Right now I’m feeling very numb. I don’t want my life to be the way it is.
I miss my house , I miss my cat, I miss real friends. There used to be a time when I could call 4-5 people and they would really listen to me, care for me , because I cared for them. And not out of personal gain, maybe a little, but out of true fondness and love for each other. We respected each other, understood each other and were there for each other. Now a days people say they are your friend but have only limited time to listen and talk mostly about themselves. I know I still have a friend or two stacked away but I don’t want to bother them with my thoughts or problems. I feel so alone right now. I feel homeless and worthless. Not knowing what to do. I guess it will pass… Time will tell.