Kimmy's road

Kimmy's road

My personal journey from being human to the being the best human I can be...

Betrayal

Hellow,

As my therapist told me, after a while when you tried to kill yourself, people will get over it. I guess they get used to you being around again. And that’s the fucked up truth.

So when someone you thought was always there for you betrays you. And doesn’t even notice your pain… It hurts as fuck.

There was a moment I wanted to kill myself again. I was fed up with life again. But when I was looking for a shoulder to cry on or a good talk, I was left standing in the cold.

And still I put aside my anger. I try to put away my tears and listen to my friend. I try to console him, give my friend the attention my friend needs and wants. I want to be the adult, I will be te best friend I can be. I will be the friend, like the one I need right now. I will give myself up one last time. But after this I’m done.

Someone who doesn’t see your pain. And only thinks about him/herself isn’t worth your pain.

So I will give, I will love, I will laugh , one last time at him/her. And then I will leave this person to find his/her happiness. Without me. Because some things can’t be forgiven.

Curveball’s and stones

Hello you,

Here is one very emotional blog again.

One of the biggest clichées is that life always throws you a curveball when you think it’s getting better. Memories are my curveballs. Everytime I think my life will get better. That I’ve faced the demons of my past. There is a song, there is a word, there is a smell, there is life.

A song brings back memories of lost friends. Makes me think of the people who aren’t there anymore because fate decided not to. There is a word that makes me remeber the though road that’s yet ahead. There is a smell that makes me remember what I’ve lost or what I’m about to loose.

And than my strong minde. My walls crumble. And I feel so lost again. When the only pillars that keep you standing straight are shaking. Then my heart falls.

A setback.. I think that’s what it’s called. Me that stands in the way of my own happiness and once again let’s other people decide if or how I should be happy. Me that is depending on other ones instead on relying on me. I hate the fact I have to give up some of my own independence too be reach where I want too be. For once in my life I want too be my own master of my own fate. Not depending on my parents, partner, friends. Just me as a strong woman…

Stones in my stomach and knives in my heart.

Long time , no write

It feels like ages since I’ve tried to kill myself. But looking at the calender I can see it’s only 1,5 month ago. I’ve been keeping myself busy going out, reading , enjoying life.

I come from a place where everything was standing still arround me. No job, no advancement in my education, an unhealthy relationship. And emotionally I wasn’t evolving. Nope I was standing still. And I hate that.

In my own opinion , people need to evolve and grow in their personal strenght,wisdom and in the understanding of oneself to be truely happy. Because learning is a lifelong procces. Some people evolve slowly others much more rappid. Personal growth is what’s needed not only for oneself but for the good of society and for the people around you.

So the last three weeks I’ve been exploring myself. Who is Kimmy ? Why does she behave the way she does? Why does she have the obnoxious habbit of saying sorry for fucking everything or feeling guilty for being arround? And I’ve figured it out.

Not myself because no one can truely know oneself to the full, it’s always biased. But I know why I do some things that get me into trouble. Why I , who people said has a strong mindset, saw no other way out but to kill myself.

I’ve made peace with myself. Knowing the errors I’ve made, taking responsibility for them. My errors are part of me and I should just accept that without shoving the blame on someone else. I feel empowered, I feel like a stronger woman again. Fully knowing the road ahead is long and I’m still not good, I’m okay.

My heart is been broken, my dreams are shattered, but I’m doing okay. I’m more than my dreams and my relationship doesn’t define me.

So after a long period of standing still in the sands of time, I,ve now picked up myself, standing within the ocean of life.. ready to let it carry me wherever it sees fit.

My most emotional f*cked up blogpost … a big rant to the world!

Hey you people,First this blog was written when I was emotionally unstable. I know some of you will be offended but remember these are emotions, not truth. I love my friends to the death, and that itself is a problem 😂 So please don’t think to badly of me after reading this. Warning strong language!

I see the look inside your eyes. The look people give me and it’s suffocating. My heart is tired. Some look at me and see the slut who betrayed her husband. Some look at me and see the trainwreck that collided with her husband and pulled him down. Some see just a stupid girl who denies to grow up. Some see me as the victim. Some say I should hide my feelings. Some say to throw them away. Some say my feelings make me human.
Ooh love …
Ooh life …
Ooh music …
Just let me rest because my heart is tired. Tired of feeling, tired of thinking. I try to pull myself up, everytime
Everybody has opinions. Everybody suddenly cares. And suddenly I’m the bad person who wrecked my husband. Now I’ve done it.
People say that life like this is living, some say I don’t know how to live. A few of you say I should break with my husband. Some say to cling on. And under all of these words, I lie. I’m being smothered by these waves of words, of false answers. Because ultimately the decision should be MINE. And mine alone. I asked for your support. I asked to be shown I was loved. I asked to please let me see thay the world isn’t empty. But I didn’t asked to dictate my life. And screw you grammar and spelling freaks who are going to be so annoyed by this! I want to scream and i want to make myself clear and now because I’m taking chemical pills, I can’t even cry.
My husband had attempted to take his own life partly because of me. I have done him ‘wrong’ in many ways, as he had done me wrong over and over again.
But that doesn’t matter to some of you. You see my mistakes as you saw your own when I dicided I was tired of living.
Regret always comes too late.
There are problems that need to be solved but I’m through taking the easy road and just cling onto your advise and your stupid moral compasses that apparently make it so easy for you to go through life. Life is a battle for everyone and now I’ve ultimatly only let myself down.
I was to weak to face my demons and to dishonest to bloody everyone! I haven’t been myself and almost never am because, as we all, we are bound to socially dictated rules and conventions. Otherwise there wouldn’t and couldn’t be a society. And I as an aspiring sociologist am therefore all the more concious of this fact. So yes, last I for once in my life, I wanted to let go. To take these rules away and just throw a big FUCK YOU to all the advise I’d gotten, all the pretty words everyone always throwinh arround. I’m sick and tired of having to hide my feelings, having to build a wall just like everyone else just because a few dickheads and assholes are cruel enough to drive through it with a tank. But fuck it! Everyone needs to deal with that shit. I’m just tired of hiding.

Here’s the real ranting part. I’m a vixen, I’m a storm, I’m an emotional mess, I have bonding issues , I dream too big, I care too much , I yell when I’m discussing something I care for , SO FUCKING WHAT! I’m also a warrior , I’m stronger than I personally believe! I lost so much weight on my own and even if some people say that there isn’t such a thing as willpower. Excuse me sir , I beg to differ! I may be too curious for my own good , I nag , I fucking snore. On some days I won’t stop spitting fire until I’ve totally wrecked your spirit and my husband knows this. But I’m also the girl who would pick up a drunken stranger from the street or give a random guy a ride home just because I think that’s the decent thing to do! I’m also the fucked cuny who thinks it’s ok to fuck your boyfriend as long as he’s ok with it. I’m te dirty slut you accuse me to be who thinks with her fanny more when talking to guys. I’m the insecure nerd you accuse me to be and I’m the annoying little know-it-all you have in your cirkle. On some days I will drink up all the energy in the room just so I wouldn’t feel ignored and on other days I will give my all just to see you smile. I’m all of that and so much more.

The only three things I have done so totally wrong are these :1) I should have been honest with myself about who I am. I should except this part of me and come to terms with the fact that yes , I’m a Bitch, but I can still be a good person underneath. Ultimately it’s me that has to live with what I’ve done. The only victim of me is myself. I need to tell myself that it’s okay to be both heaven and hell! 2) I need to accept the fact that a lot of people aren’t going to like me. That who I am and what I do and my openness about myself is going to kick some people in the gut ^^ 3) I should never have driven myself this far upon the edge. It’s me who had done this and it is me who has to pick up the pieces, not my (ex?)husband, not my sweet daddy, not my best friend, not the guy I fucked last night (figure of speech people), nor the girl I’ll kiss tomorrow. It has to come from me. My mind is ultimatly my own. And just because I’m addicted to that sense of dread or the realisation the world is ending doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living. I should live for myself and only for myself. And I can still find happiness in making other people happy , but not at the cost of losing myself. If my true personality means I’m going to get myself in a whole lot of trouble so be it, if I make a mess of myself again let me, if this means i’m going to die at the age of 40 so what. I need to start living for me and lose these insecurities that hold me back. And stop listening to people who themselves are struggeling to stay alive. I’m so ashamed I didn’t honor my dear friend Tcherina’s life by living my own in the way I want. I’m so sorry my dear.If you read all the way through congrats the next drink is on me haha ^^ Cheers Kimmy<<<< gt;<<< ><< p>< /p>

Why bullying changes you…

Hi there,

So, this is going to be a LONG one. If you're tired from work, or just in lazy mood, scroll away. If you've been bullied yourself and are tired of hearing sh*t about it, click away. But if you want to hear my perspective of what happened to me at high school. Please stay, read, learn and if my prayers are heard. (Although I'm an atheïst) Then maybe... You come out this a little bit wiser. Maybe you will notice someone being bullied quicker. Or maybe you care more now. 

Why I call what happened to me bullying and the different kinds of bullying.

 

According to my own lectures at the bachelor education there are different types of bullying. Most people associate bullying with the physical bullying and with verbal bullying (calling names, intimidation,...). But most people tend to forget that there is another category... Social bullying through social exclusion. This form of bullying is more used by females than males who tend to use the fist two types. And finaly we also have cyber bullying. 

Although some people who were with me in my class through high school wouldn't call what happened to me bullying. I have the guts to say it was! I've come in contact with verbal bullying and cyber bullying. But the most lethal of all for me was the social bullying. 

And in my eyes, if you saw that I was socially excluded and didn't act against it or refused to go along, you are as guilty as them. 

I will never say I was never to blame and I did nothing wrong, but don't you dare to deny your part in this. 

A few examples of bullying I've been through. 

-I've been called names such as 'slut', 'nerd' 

-I've been typecast as 'weird', 'problemchild', 'socialy awkward' by both my teachers as my peers

-I've had chewing gum thrown into my hair

-I've been socialy excluded out of teamworks throughout my whole school carrier 

-I've been thrown dirty looks 

-My neighbour refused to use my math manual because it was mine, and the teacher allowed her to go and take someone else's 

-I have been sitting alone on the playground for a whole year

-I've been mocked over via msn and mail 

-When I started to research my own sexuality, a conversation of me and a boy has been printed out and spread through the class. 

-My teacher said to me it was my fault and that I should dress differently

-When I gave a lecture in front of my class and the boys where laughing with my posture the teacher blamed me for stopping my lecture. 

-I've been physically threatened on the playground, grabbed by the throat 

The way this examples made me feel

-Because of the name calling and typecasting I really felt socialy awkward and became incredibly unsure of myself when I was in my school environment.

-Because of the social exclusion I felt really, really, really lonely throughout most of my school carrier and I've always been counting down the minutes when I could leave the school and text with my friends (phones weren't allowed in school).

-Because of the focus on my social awkwardness or person, I began to place myself in the center of attention. Thinking everything and anything was about me. A laugh in the background could kill me with fear. And I had the feeling someone was always looking. 

-Later on because I was always on my own and looked at, I went into my rebellion phase through which I tended to make myself stand out even more. And I tried to take pride in that. 

-Because of my typecast as a slut and because of other reasons (me being forced into sex and stuff), I went into overdrive and couldn't see the destination between sex and love. Everyone I wanted sex with I immediately connected with me being in a relationship with that person. With many broken hearts and an even worse reputation... Because sex is a distraction from misery as we all know.

-It really felt it was all my fault because the teachers either didn't see what was happening, didn't care, or joined in. 

-Everytime I knew I would have to answer a question in the classroom, I got sweaty palms and sweat al over the place. My heart started racing and I'd forget my answer. 

How this influences who I am now

In a few months I'm turning 25. That's an age most people consider to be the 'adult'landmark. But I'm still stuck in that school. It will be 8 years since I left. But it still leaves open wounds.

I'm still nervous everytime I'm in a school environement or training and I have to speak in front of peers. I still get sweaty palms and a raised heartbeat. 

I still am so afraid to be on my own, because then I get the feeling nobody likes or wants me. And then I get really nervous.

I still don't dare to put up my hand in class or in this case in the aula at my university. Even though I'm smart enough. It holds me back developing academically.  

I've got atychiphobia (faalangst) because of this. 

And I still have the need to prove that I'm different than everybody else and that it's ok to be so!

The influence this bullying has had isn't one to be underestimated. It has effect on how I see the world. It has had it's effect on how I think about certain things and on how I process failure or setbacks. 

According to my therapist it is important to recognize this thought-process. So that I can learn to act against it if necessary.

It will be a long way to recover from this. 

This has formed my personality but in all the wrong ways. I know I can recover from this stronger, but it doesn't take away all the years or the chances that were lost because of this. 

Where I put the blame

Mostely I still blame myself for what happened, over the course of six years, I stood up early everyday and watched tv so I could calm my mind. Listened to upbeat music to make me ready 'for battle' saying to myself in the mirror that I would show them that I was not afraid. While on the inside I was terrified. And of course when at school, my fighting spirit shrunk and I didn't do much but sit there still in a corner. 

I have sometimes started a fight and called other people names, because that was the only way to either get attention or to get in touch with my peers. 

Also it is normal that if you dress gothic or gabber, you draw attention towards yourself. So yes, I'm not perfect, far from it. And I'm to blame. 

My peers, some of them also wear a lot of the blame.

But who I blame mostly? 

The school and teachers
Not my peers, because what did they know at that age? No, the school who said to me that I was 'the problem child' that everything was my own f*cking fault. And the teachers (not all of them!!!) who saw what was happening and didn't act. I've stood in the teachers shoes... Even if you don't know how to fix it, if the glass is broken you don't let it lie there on the f*cking floor! No you clean up the mess. And you don't blame the glass for breaking. You find the culprit and ask for an explanation. 

Six years, is just too long. And knowing this is still happening to some children out there makes me furious.

In a (catholic) school that preaches equality and respect... Where every school year begins with the principals speech that preaches a 'no-bullying' policy... There is still an awful lot of bullying present. I know it is still going on there because of friends of mine who are just graduating from this school and because of some of my peers who have teached there during there internship. 

This is just wrong. I've always wanted to be a teacher and I've stood in the teachers shoes. If I recognize the signals, why don't they? 

I blame the system on this part also. I've been to two different colleges to become a teacher. And nowhere are our future teachers being trained in to being our ears and eyes when it comes to bullying. Everything is about the theory and all we learn is that bullying is wrong. So please, take my plea to heart. And change this. No one should go through what I've been through. Puberty is hard enough as it is and there will be friction either way. But to let this go on for years. Thats just damn wrong! 

Please make this world a better place,
and start with yourselves,
love,
Kimmy