I, for myself, hate it to be totally on my own for a long period of time. It makes me feel anxious and it seems to me like time and space are standing still and that in itself is an impossiblity that my mind can't cope with. When I'm alone I can't rely on my own vault in my mind because then is when my fears return and I start breaking down the walls of my vault that keep me standing tall.
These walls have been there for a while and they stand there gazing and tall , not to keep de bad stuff locked away but to keep the good and hurtful stuff out. I'm very open when I meet someone and do tend to overshare my little bucket of missery. People tend to care but I do this so that people know , that when they talk about their feelings I know how it feels.
And I know it because I feel their pain as much as it where my own. Not because of a bad memorie but because I care to much. I want to be everybodies friend, everyones lover and everyones "rock in rough water", because I don't want to feel their pain and I want to help that person feel better , because in doing that, I feel a better person myself.
Meeting people and talking to people , being very open about myself, creates the illusion that they care. That I am surrounded by likeminded souls. Clinging on to every word every little movement of interaction. Just so that I could feel safe.
I have the false conception that my own self-worth is to be determined by others. If others think I'm not worth a single f*ck to anyone else then why should I be worth anything at all.
Because of that clingynesss I tend to push people away, to suffocate everybody arround me. I just tend to drain everybodies energy. So in stead of enjoying the company I'm in I'm constantly worrying in when and why they will leave me be. So I will eventually end up alone , as do we all, ...
Therefore I like to keep on moving, and keep on talking. When I'm in movement , wheter it is in a bus , on my bike or just walking. I feel like making progress, knowing that I'm not. It feels like I going somewhere , I've got a false sense of purpose. I feel like I'm on my way to accomplish something big , something that makes the world a better place. I want it to be known I was here ... And than the bus stops, the walk's over and my feet stop peddeling and I'm right back too nothing.
The need to move is one I cannot really explain where it originates...
Is it because I'm so terribly afraid of failure. Standing still equals non-developement. It means I've stopped learning and therefore I'm not doing my very best at being me.
My own insecurity kills my own social ability to keep people close. All the longing I have to help people carry the weight of this life and to share beautiful moments are shattered by my own thoughtprocces. And no one is to blame but me.
So for now I try to carry my loneliness in silence, I try to hide my tears. Because if I let it out once again it will ruin my own 'mindsafe' again.
Yes, sorry this blog is a mess for now , but it helps me think and hopefully gives you some insight in whats going on in my distorted mind.