Hey you people,First this blog was written when I was emotionally unstable. I know some of you will be offended but remember these are emotions, not truth. I love my friends to the death, and that itself is a problem 😂 So please don’t think to badly of me after reading this. Warning strong language!
I see the look inside your eyes. The look people give me and it’s suffocating. My heart is tired. Some look at me and see the slut who betrayed her husband. Some look at me and see the trainwreck that collided with her husband and pulled him down. Some see just a stupid girl who denies to grow up. Some see me as the victim. Some say I should hide my feelings. Some say to throw them away. Some say my feelings make me human.
Ooh love …
Ooh life …
Ooh music …
Just let me rest because my heart is tired. Tired of feeling, tired of thinking. I try to pull myself up, everytime
Everybody has opinions. Everybody suddenly cares. And suddenly I’m the bad person who wrecked my husband. Now I’ve done it.
People say that life like this is living, some say I don’t know how to live. A few of you say I should break with my husband. Some say to cling on. And under all of these words, I lie. I’m being smothered by these waves of words, of false answers. Because ultimately the decision should be MINE. And mine alone. I asked for your support. I asked to be shown I was loved. I asked to please let me see thay the world isn’t empty. But I didn’t asked to dictate my life. And screw you grammar and spelling freaks who are going to be so annoyed by this! I want to scream and i want to make myself clear and now because I’m taking chemical pills, I can’t even cry.
My husband had attempted to take his own life partly because of me. I have done him ‘wrong’ in many ways, as he had done me wrong over and over again.
But that doesn’t matter to some of you. You see my mistakes as you saw your own when I dicided I was tired of living.
Regret always comes too late.
There are problems that need to be solved but I’m through taking the easy road and just cling onto your advise and your stupid moral compasses that apparently make it so easy for you to go through life. Life is a battle for everyone and now I’ve ultimatly only let myself down.
I was to weak to face my demons and to dishonest to bloody everyone! I haven’t been myself and almost never am because, as we all, we are bound to socially dictated rules and conventions. Otherwise there wouldn’t and couldn’t be a society. And I as an aspiring sociologist am therefore all the more concious of this fact. So yes, last I for once in my life, I wanted to let go. To take these rules away and just throw a big FUCK YOU to all the advise I’d gotten, all the pretty words everyone always throwinh arround. I’m sick and tired of having to hide my feelings, having to build a wall just like everyone else just because a few dickheads and assholes are cruel enough to drive through it with a tank. But fuck it! Everyone needs to deal with that shit. I’m just tired of hiding.
Here’s the real ranting part. I’m a vixen, I’m a storm, I’m an emotional mess, I have bonding issues , I dream too big, I care too much , I yell when I’m discussing something I care for , SO FUCKING WHAT! I’m also a warrior , I’m stronger than I personally believe! I lost so much weight on my own and even if some people say that there isn’t such a thing as willpower. Excuse me sir , I beg to differ! I may be too curious for my own good , I nag , I fucking snore. On some days I won’t stop spitting fire until I’ve totally wrecked your spirit and my husband knows this. But I’m also the girl who would pick up a drunken stranger from the street or give a random guy a ride home just because I think that’s the decent thing to do! I’m also the fucked cuny who thinks it’s ok to fuck your boyfriend as long as he’s ok with it. I’m te dirty slut you accuse me to be who thinks with her fanny more when talking to guys. I’m the insecure nerd you accuse me to be and I’m the annoying little know-it-all you have in your cirkle. On some days I will drink up all the energy in the room just so I wouldn’t feel ignored and on other days I will give my all just to see you smile. I’m all of that and so much more.
The only three things I have done so totally wrong are these :1) I should have been honest with myself about who I am. I should except this part of me and come to terms with the fact that yes , I’m a Bitch, but I can still be a good person underneath. Ultimately it’s me that has to live with what I’ve done. The only victim of me is myself. I need to tell myself that it’s okay to be both heaven and hell! 2) I need to accept the fact that a lot of people aren’t going to like me. That who I am and what I do and my openness about myself is going to kick some people in the gut ^^ 3) I should never have driven myself this far upon the edge. It’s me who had done this and it is me who has to pick up the pieces, not my (ex?)husband, not my sweet daddy, not my best friend, not the guy I fucked last night (figure of speech people), nor the girl I’ll kiss tomorrow. It has to come from me. My mind is ultimatly my own. And just because I’m addicted to that sense of dread or the realisation the world is ending doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living. I should live for myself and only for myself. And I can still find happiness in making other people happy , but not at the cost of losing myself. If my true personality means I’m going to get myself in a whole lot of trouble so be it, if I make a mess of myself again let me, if this means i’m going to die at the age of 40 so what. I need to start living for me and lose these insecurities that hold me back. And stop listening to people who themselves are struggeling to stay alive. I’m so ashamed I didn’t honor my dear friend Tcherina’s life by living my own in the way I want. I’m so sorry my dear.If you read all the way through congrats the next drink is on me haha ^^ Cheers Kimmy<<<< gt;<<< ><< p>< /p>